Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
