my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
