I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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