That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
