Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
