She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
