The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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