i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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