I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
