You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
