omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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