you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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