he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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