please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
