I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
