Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
