well I can't set my house on fire every night
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
