we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
