She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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