I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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