dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
