Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I want a musical about memes.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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