The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
