haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
