smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
only you would photoshop your dick
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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