Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
