Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
