This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
