Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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