You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Houston, we have a squirter
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
