I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
