Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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