i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
