were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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