I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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