Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
