I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
