I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
