we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
