I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
