my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
