Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
