a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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