That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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