Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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