Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
accomplished twins. life is a go
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
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Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
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The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
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