In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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