Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
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Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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