Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
