I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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