I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
did i walk over a car last night?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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