considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
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I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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