GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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